


Sincerely, Me

by fandom_food_bank



Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Based on a Dear Evan Hansen Song, Depression, F/M, Female Connor, Gen, Identity Issues, Songfic, genderbent au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23331331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_food_bank/pseuds/fandom_food_bank
Summary: A weird little fic idea that came out of me listening to Dear Evan Hansen songs for far too long over the holidays, and my love of crossovers. Artemis Fowl: Dear Evan Hansen AU edition. Artemis is a genius with social anxiety whose one white lie goes a little too far concerning him and a turbulent relationship between him, Foaly and the notorious Holly Short. Disaster follows swiftly, as it always does, featuring skeleton dummies(and metaphorical ones) in the closet, a dubious deal concerning an ungodly amount of kombucha, too many sexual innuendos, personal tensions, and of course, one disaster of a Google Doc/Gmail account. Comments and constructive criticism are more than welcome; this is my first time writing fanfiction.
Relationships: Artemis Fowl II/Holly Short
Kudos: 7





	Sincerely, Me

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR’S NOTE: As you can tell, Sincerely, Me is set in an AU, specifically Dear Evan Hansen. Character counterparts and font codes are listed below(the special fonts only occur during texts/comments):
> 
> Foaly: Jared  
> Artemis: Evan  
> Holly: Connor
> 
> Also, please note that names will be changed in order to fit the AU, and that this is my first published fanfic, so I apologize for the clunkiness of this piece. I do not own any of the names, characters, places, companies, trademarks or logos that may be mentioned here. All rights belong to Eoin Colfer, Benj Pasek, Justin Paul and Steven Levenson
> 
> Sincerely, 
> 
> Food Bank

_“Dear Arty Fowl, we’ve been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy, and it sucks that we don’t talk that much. But I should tell you that I think of you each night… I rub my-”_

I slam the laptop shut and glare right into the gaming screen. “Why would you write that?”

Foaly smirks back at me, holding his carrot aloft like a cigarette, laughing like an idiot. Damn him. He’s been spending too much time around Beetroot. 

“I’m just trying to tell the truth!” 

I groan, intentionally baring my teeth, vampire-style. 

“This has to be perfect. These emails need to prove we were actually friends. Just- I’ll do it.” 

Why on earth did I ever agree to do this over Skype? I grab the keyboard and try with all my heart to write like Holly, but I’m failing miserably; I hear a crash, probably Foaly falling out of his seat from laughter. 

_“I gotta tell you, life without you has been hard-_

“Hard???” 

I look back towards the computer screen and see Foaly laughing again, twirling a carrot as long as his index finger between his graphite-covered fingertips. “Gross. Just eat the carrot.”

“ Nothing to see here. Just keep typing.”

_“Has been bad-”_

Foaly chuckles from behind. I shoot him a death glare from the corner of my eye.

“Hey, calm down there, man! I’m just trying to spice things up!”

“Not helping!”

  
  


_“Has been rough!”_

“KiNkY!” 

That’s it. I swivel around, sending papers flying off the desk, but I don’t care.

“Can you please stop interrupting? My parents might find out…” Foaly lets out another one of his shaky laughs. “I thought this was just some prank?” 

“No….”

“Dude, spill.”

“Don’t call me dude, Foaly.” 

With that, I grab my laptop and continue typing. 

_“And I miss talking about life, and other stuff…”_

“Very specific.”

Really, Foaly? Everyone at school probably makes fun of me, no need for him to join in too. 

“Shut up!” 

“Okay, chill out, bro. You’re giving me vampire vibes here.”

_“I like my parents,-”_

“Who says that?” I look over, and for the first time today, he looks genuinely confused. I sigh and continue typing. 

_“I_ **_love_ ** _my parents, but each day’s another fight. If I stop smoking drugs-”_

More chortling. This is starting to get ridiculous. “Smoking drugs?” I sigh. “Just fix it!”

_“If I stop smoking crack-”_

Now I’m screaming. 

“Crack???” 

I mean, I knew Holly smoked, but it wasn’t anything serious. I send an angry-face emoji to Foaly(maybe that’ll shut him up) and continue typing.

_“If I stop smoking pot, then everything might be alright. I’ll take your advice, try to be more “nice”. I’ll turn it around, wait and see! ‘Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention, it’s easy to change if you give it your attention! All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be._

_Sincerely,_

_Me!”_

Okay, first letter down, an infinite number left. Great.

“Are we done yet?” 

I look over at my screen, where Foaly has stuck three carrot sticks in his mouth. 

“Foaly, how many of those do you eat in a day?”

“I don’t count. Listen, don’t judge this vegan’s cravings, okay? I stress-eat.”

“And… this is why I don’t talk to you during school hours. Look, I can’t just give them one email, right? I want to show that I was a good friend, you know?”

“Oh my god!”

I switch his document access to view-only and grab the keyboard before he can do any more damage. 

**_“Dear Holly Short, yes I also miss our talks. Stop doing drugs, just try to take deep breaths and go on walks.”_ **

Silence. Okay, maybe Foaly finally decided to pipe down and let me write. A ding resonates from my laptop. Apparently he’s taken to commenting now. Even worse. The comment reads: _No_. I resolve the comment and continue typing. 

**_“I’m sending pictures of the most amazing trees!”_ **

There we go. We both like nature. I really hope this works. Another ding; Foaly again. He’s added a couple of exclamation marks to his ‘no’. I respond with a **‘shut up’** and keep typing.

**_“You’ll be obsessed with all my forest expertise!”_ **

Nice! Maybe it’s not too late to fake a romantic relationship instead. This is good material to impress a girl with…but there’s another comment from Foaly. It reads: ‘Absolutely not!’ 

I turn back to my computer monitor, where Foaly is waiting for me with another oversized carrot stick, a mason jar of cranberry cinnamon kombucha and a frown. 

“Is that kombucha? Eww. I can’t believe you drink that stuff.” 

“Well, you drink Earl Grey. Without any cream or sugar. Do you know how horrible that tastes?”

“Flavour is for the weak. What’s up with that comment?”

He plays dumb. “What comment?”

I highlight the ‘absolutely not!’ and he goes bright red, gulping down his kombucha. “Listen, uhm, do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“Okay…”

“Did you, um, have a crush on Holly? You know, before she went missing and everything?”

He almost has it, but I can’t confirm. I scratch the back of my head, fiddle with my tie and do everything in the world to look confused and relaxed.

“NO! I mean, of course not! I barely even knew her! It’s not like we were best friends or anything.”

Foaly clears his throat loudly, takes an extra long sip from his mason jar, and gives me the evil eye.

“Foaly, listen. I get that you guys were best friends and everything, and I really didn’t mean for it to come out that way. Will you please let this one slide?”

He straightens out his _Hogwarts Alumni_ hoodie, cracks his knuckles and grins. 

“Keep going.”

**_“Girl, I’m proud of you, just keep pushing through! You’re turning around, I can see!”_ **

_“Just wait and see!”_

I send Foaly a comment: **“I thought I was writing!”**

He responds: “Whoa, take it easy! I’m only writing one of Holly’s letters!”

**“Ok, do your thing! Just don’t write anything stupid...”**

_“ ‘Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention! It’s easy to change if you give it your attention! All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be,_

**_“ ‘Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention! It’s easy to change if you give it your attention! All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be,_ **

  
  
  


_Sincerely,_

**_Me!”_ **

_“My brother’s hot!”_

Not funny, Foaly. “What the hell?” . He smirks back, another mason jar in hand. “My bad.”

_“Dear Arty Fowl, thanks for every note you send!”_

**_“Dear Holly Short, I’m just glad to be your friend!”_ **

****

I smile.

**_“Our friendship goes beyond your average kind of bond!”_ **

_“But not because we’re straight!”_

I groan. Foaly constantly referring to bisexual men as straight is starting to get on my nerves. 

“I’m bisexual, my friend!”

**“It’s all the same to me!”**

“Ugh.” 

**_“No, not because we’re straight!”_ **

_“We’re close, but not that way! The only girl that I love is my mom…”_

**_“We’re close, but not that way! The only man that I love is my dad…”_ **

Foaly again. This one reads: _She’s an orphan, man…_

**_Look, I didn’t know, alright? Just fix it!_ **

**** _Prick._

He continues.

_“Well, anyway!”_

**_“You’re getting better every day!”_ **

_“I’m getting better every day!”_

_“We keep getting better every day!”_

**_“We keep getting better every day!”_ **

_“Hey, hey, hey!”_

**_“Hey, hey, hey!”_ **

_“ ‘Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention! It’s easy to change if you give it your attention! All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be,_

**_“ ‘Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention! It’s easy to change if you give it your attention! All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be,_ **

_Sincerely,_

**_Miss you dearly!_ **

**** _Sincerely, me_

**_Sincerely, me_ **

_Sincerely ME!_

**_ME!_ **

**** _ME!_

**_ME!_ **

**** _ME!_

_“Sincerely me!”_

**_“Sincerely me!”_ **

“Well?” Foaly clasps his hands upon his desk, where kombucha jars and carrot sticks are littered everywhere. Behind the desk, I can see a minifridge with its door half-open, a closet overflowing with dirty T-shirts from every fandom and a half-stripped bed. 

“Foaly, what happened to your room? It looks like it was trashed by a bunch of rich vegan fanboys. And is that a mouldy veggie burrito behind you?” 

“Hey, we all have our skeletons in the closet. But seriously, there’s a life-sized plastic skeleton somewhere in my wardrobe.” 

“ I really didn’t need to know about that.”

“Never mind. Not bad for three hours, right?”

  
  


I scan the string of emails we’ve forged. 

“They’re pretty impressive. They sound and look realistic enough. How can I repay you?”

He grins wickedly. “Lifetime supply of kombucha. With ice. And only the gourmet brands.”

“I take that comment back.”

“Hey, relax, dude! I was only joking.”

“Really? I thought I smelled an opportunity for blackmail.”

There’s an awkward silence, and for a few minutes, all I hear is the crackling of the monitors. Finally, I hear a loud slurping sound, and a hacking noise. 

“Uh, Artemis? From what I saw at the end, I think you might actually get away with this 

project.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“You don’t have to coat everything in a layer of sarcasm, you know.”

“Yes, I’m aware of that, Frank. It’s a defence mechanism.”

“Why am I not surprised? And don’t ever call me Frank again. There’s a reason why I go by Foaly at school.”

“Right. ‘Foaly’ Foley, the vegan, horse-loving fanboy who has the world’s worst last name.”

“It’s better than being Artemis Fowl.”

I freeze. Is that really what Foaly, or everyone else, for that matter, thinks of me? Socially awkward, sarcastic, rich genius Artemis Fowl, who’d rather watch the stock market than Sportsnet? I regain my composure, to a certain extent.

“Well, at least I bother looking respectable when I come to class. You look like a walking advertisement. Do you even wear anything normal under all those _Game of Thrones_ hoodies?”

“I don’t even watch _Game of Thrones_! You should try writing yourself some humility instead, Fowl. Might suit you better than those three-piece suits, or that stupid blue polo you call casual wear.”

“I did. It didn’t fit. At least I can command some respect with my fashion choices.”

Dead silence. I stare him down, daring him to talk back. Foaly sips from his mason jar for what seems to be the umpteenth time today.

“Ok, but seriously, I’m not gonna lie… we did some great work here, pal.” 

He extends his hand towards the screen. “You, my friend, have yourself a business partner.

” I swat away the hand, grabbing a mug of Earl Grey.

“How about a toast?” 

He grins and angles his jar forwards as we smack our monitors. 

“To our criminal empire?”

“I’ll drink to that.”

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR’S NOTE:
> 
> "Well, that was ripping!"
> 
> \- King Richard, Galavant, 2016
> 
> To be completely honest with you, I have never watched Dear Evan Hansen(DEH), and I have never written Connor, Evan and Jared before. If you think that the Artemis Fowl characters I placed in these roles don’t really suit their DEH counterparts, I’ll be more than happy to do a rewrite of this story. Thanks for reading!
> 
> Food Bank


End file.
